Mikey P
Administrator
Ask any busy carpet cleaner at 4PM what he did at his first job that day and he’ll draw a blank. One job runs into the next with so very few standing out as notable, especially if like me, you've been cleaning for over 25 years, 300 + days a year, 3 to 5 jobs a day.
But every once in a while you get a new customer who’s situation just blows you away and the whole experience sticks with you for not just a day but most likely, a life time.
The job description for the subject of this impromptu essay read:
30 minutes later we’re at her door step and the long wait for any greeting or a peep from within along with a rather unkempt yard in a rather high dollar hood, sent off my ding bat alert in full force..
I won’t mention the religious artifact mounted on the door jam, but with all the clues laughing at the chimp and I, we knew we were in for some trouble.
“Hold on!”..
Slish bam, bang and a boom and POW the door opens with a snap and there stands a 6 ft two and 36 inch wide red head in her not so white anymore sweat suit. Adorned with more food stains and flaming red hair and ultra pail skin than I was quite ready for.
“You must be Mike, I've read and heard so much about you, come on in. Giggle giggle snort. Breathe deep, there’s that stench that I haven’t taken in since my days a Coit.
If I tried to recall all of her ramblings we’d be here for days writing and reading this so I’ll cut her out of it the best I can.
The entry way was jam packed with boxes, piles of books, just plain junk and not intentionally modified shabby sheik furniture. Her tour started in the living room/ dining room that still had at least 30 pieces of junk that need to be moved out for us to even start vacuuming. “I’ll get my kids to help with this stuff right away, you just tell me what to move..”
Loads of spots in front of the couch, that while looking just like dog urine had zero smell, I've never seen something that looked so much like piss, yet wasn't. Her cute mutt even looked innocent, and very well behaved, shockingly enough.
As we headed to the dining kitchen area the sign of gluttony started to glow even brighter. Piles and piles of packed snack type products. Chocolate covered pretzels and chips, boxes and boxes of Halloween candy variety packs, cases of sodas and energy drinks three feet high lined the walls. More of those two once cups of red pepper flakes and Parmesan cheese that come with takeout pizzas than I could ever count, all over every surface. Kitchen cupboard belongings were all over the counters and floor and probably more disturbing than anything else, two plus foot stacks of paper plates, paper bowls, paper cups (in two sizes) and equal amounts of napkins, all clearly indicating that washing one’s dishes was saved just for the holidays around here.
Next we moved upstairs to tour her four bed rooms, which she promised were much worse and her real concern..
Each of her 3 teenagers had their own rooms that mimicked their parent’s habits. They did prepare far more than I would expect with beds piled high with massive amounts of junk. Mom did get peeved at each kid for not getting EVERY thing off the floor so to expedite things my helper and I suggested she work on the living room and dining room while we finished up upstairs. Each night stand or computer table we moved revealed more paper plates, snack wrappers and layers and layers of dust. Dust was thick and plenty full on every surface throughout the home, with no exceptions.
Acknowledgments of higher education adorned each child’s wall in the form a heavily enameled black walnut plaques stating proudly the year and day of their graduation from the Hogwort School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
All of the family are heavy readers, fantasy crap for the tots, romance Fabio crap for mom and Guitar Player crap for dad. Stacks and stack of Guitar Players in each bathroom, level with the toilet seat on both sides and reeking of splashed urine and caked dust.
As we continued to move stuff upstairs I was fortunate enough to watch mom call her little Hogwarts in from the converted garage to help her clear the living room. I was not prepared to see children this large come waddling in. I shook my head, bit my lip and went into a trance as I watch them all jump for joy at seeing a wide open area in the home for once. They were so use to walking single file though the mountains of…crap… that they took the opportunity to hold each other’s hand and dance around in circles in the now cleared living room ring around the rosy style. I couldn't tell what the song they were singing was but they had rhythm, I’ll give them that.
Mom finished up and came up to move a few more items we didn't dare.
One of her many, many classic quotes just has to be recalled. “You know living with this much stuff around is like putting your clothes on in the morning, after a while, you just forget that they’re on…
While vacuuming in one room I overheard the son come up to look for his shoes in his room where his mom was moving things..
“Why do you need shoes to watch TV?”
“I’m bored and feel sad for Sally”
“Why are you sad for the dog?”
“She hasn't been on a walk in weeks”
“Well god damnit I’m busy, you can find your own shoes!”
“MOM, they were on my bed before you put all that stuff on there, I need my shoes, I can’t go outside without them!!””
It’s not my fault you were stupid and didn't plan for your walk, here, wear these”
“Mom, those don’t fit any more!”
Well it’s not my fault you only have one pair of shoes, just go watch TV with your sisters and put Sally in her cage.”
Praise Jesus.
Two hours later after vacuuming, pre scrubbing, a half gallon of 40 Vol, we finally cranked up the Aerotech and started rinsing. Rotary extraction down stairs, Hot Rod on the steps and 175/ wand upstairs..
Dual wanding nirvana. Get us the hell out of here ASAP.
All but a few paint and glue spots in the bed rooms were cleaning right out with the Flex and Oxy mix, pre scrubbing the doggy oil impacted stair case defiantly helped. It was while wanding the steps that I had a bird’s eye view of the kitchen where I got to watch the kids come in from the den and prepare their lunches. Each took turns frying up a huge batch of bacon. Two of them enjoyed the pork so much they came back in for another batch. The biggest of the 3 decided to watch her weight for her second course and fry up a Costco sized bag of Pot Stickers instead, which surely must have had a vegetable or two inside.
Five hours later, an extra forgotten about room of carpet asked to be done 3.5 hours in, a full AT waste tank, shot nerves and exhausted muscles we finished up. A shower would have been great but we were running late now for two more jobs and had to rush across town.
As we were packing up our beautiful and oh so roomie truckmount that never needs an engine replaced, a part time pig farmer slash carpet cleaner drove by in his cramped little cargo van and gave us a sad little jealous wave.
Red was ecstatic with the results and promised to call more often, we even left her a snail fan in hopes to prevent any wicking and a revisit to this glimpse of everything that is wrong in America.
The bacon jokes have yet to stop.
But every once in a while you get a new customer who’s situation just blows you away and the whole experience sticks with you for not just a day but most likely, a life time.
The job description for the subject of this impromptu essay read:
As usual I called her to let her know we were on the way and while chatty and a bit squeaky, she didn’t sound any more un-normal than most of our Santa Cruz home owners.
30 minutes later we’re at her door step and the long wait for any greeting or a peep from within along with a rather unkempt yard in a rather high dollar hood, sent off my ding bat alert in full force..
I won’t mention the religious artifact mounted on the door jam, but with all the clues laughing at the chimp and I, we knew we were in for some trouble.
“Hold on!”..
Slish bam, bang and a boom and POW the door opens with a snap and there stands a 6 ft two and 36 inch wide red head in her not so white anymore sweat suit. Adorned with more food stains and flaming red hair and ultra pail skin than I was quite ready for.
“You must be Mike, I've read and heard so much about you, come on in. Giggle giggle snort. Breathe deep, there’s that stench that I haven’t taken in since my days a Coit.
If I tried to recall all of her ramblings we’d be here for days writing and reading this so I’ll cut her out of it the best I can.
The entry way was jam packed with boxes, piles of books, just plain junk and not intentionally modified shabby sheik furniture. Her tour started in the living room/ dining room that still had at least 30 pieces of junk that need to be moved out for us to even start vacuuming. “I’ll get my kids to help with this stuff right away, you just tell me what to move..”
Loads of spots in front of the couch, that while looking just like dog urine had zero smell, I've never seen something that looked so much like piss, yet wasn't. Her cute mutt even looked innocent, and very well behaved, shockingly enough.
As we headed to the dining kitchen area the sign of gluttony started to glow even brighter. Piles and piles of packed snack type products. Chocolate covered pretzels and chips, boxes and boxes of Halloween candy variety packs, cases of sodas and energy drinks three feet high lined the walls. More of those two once cups of red pepper flakes and Parmesan cheese that come with takeout pizzas than I could ever count, all over every surface. Kitchen cupboard belongings were all over the counters and floor and probably more disturbing than anything else, two plus foot stacks of paper plates, paper bowls, paper cups (in two sizes) and equal amounts of napkins, all clearly indicating that washing one’s dishes was saved just for the holidays around here.
Next we moved upstairs to tour her four bed rooms, which she promised were much worse and her real concern..
Each of her 3 teenagers had their own rooms that mimicked their parent’s habits. They did prepare far more than I would expect with beds piled high with massive amounts of junk. Mom did get peeved at each kid for not getting EVERY thing off the floor so to expedite things my helper and I suggested she work on the living room and dining room while we finished up upstairs. Each night stand or computer table we moved revealed more paper plates, snack wrappers and layers and layers of dust. Dust was thick and plenty full on every surface throughout the home, with no exceptions.
Acknowledgments of higher education adorned each child’s wall in the form a heavily enameled black walnut plaques stating proudly the year and day of their graduation from the Hogwort School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
All of the family are heavy readers, fantasy crap for the tots, romance Fabio crap for mom and Guitar Player crap for dad. Stacks and stack of Guitar Players in each bathroom, level with the toilet seat on both sides and reeking of splashed urine and caked dust.
As we continued to move stuff upstairs I was fortunate enough to watch mom call her little Hogwarts in from the converted garage to help her clear the living room. I was not prepared to see children this large come waddling in. I shook my head, bit my lip and went into a trance as I watch them all jump for joy at seeing a wide open area in the home for once. They were so use to walking single file though the mountains of…crap… that they took the opportunity to hold each other’s hand and dance around in circles in the now cleared living room ring around the rosy style. I couldn't tell what the song they were singing was but they had rhythm, I’ll give them that.
Mom finished up and came up to move a few more items we didn't dare.
One of her many, many classic quotes just has to be recalled. “You know living with this much stuff around is like putting your clothes on in the morning, after a while, you just forget that they’re on…
While vacuuming in one room I overheard the son come up to look for his shoes in his room where his mom was moving things..
“Why do you need shoes to watch TV?”
“I’m bored and feel sad for Sally”
“Why are you sad for the dog?”
“She hasn't been on a walk in weeks”
“Well god damnit I’m busy, you can find your own shoes!”
“MOM, they were on my bed before you put all that stuff on there, I need my shoes, I can’t go outside without them!!””
It’s not my fault you were stupid and didn't plan for your walk, here, wear these”
“Mom, those don’t fit any more!”
Well it’s not my fault you only have one pair of shoes, just go watch TV with your sisters and put Sally in her cage.”
Praise Jesus.
Two hours later after vacuuming, pre scrubbing, a half gallon of 40 Vol, we finally cranked up the Aerotech and started rinsing. Rotary extraction down stairs, Hot Rod on the steps and 175/ wand upstairs..
Dual wanding nirvana. Get us the hell out of here ASAP.
All but a few paint and glue spots in the bed rooms were cleaning right out with the Flex and Oxy mix, pre scrubbing the doggy oil impacted stair case defiantly helped. It was while wanding the steps that I had a bird’s eye view of the kitchen where I got to watch the kids come in from the den and prepare their lunches. Each took turns frying up a huge batch of bacon. Two of them enjoyed the pork so much they came back in for another batch. The biggest of the 3 decided to watch her weight for her second course and fry up a Costco sized bag of Pot Stickers instead, which surely must have had a vegetable or two inside.
Five hours later, an extra forgotten about room of carpet asked to be done 3.5 hours in, a full AT waste tank, shot nerves and exhausted muscles we finished up. A shower would have been great but we were running late now for two more jobs and had to rush across town.
As we were packing up our beautiful and oh so roomie truckmount that never needs an engine replaced, a part time pig farmer slash carpet cleaner drove by in his cramped little cargo van and gave us a sad little jealous wave.
Red was ecstatic with the results and promised to call more often, we even left her a snail fan in hopes to prevent any wicking and a revisit to this glimpse of everything that is wrong in America.
The bacon jokes have yet to stop.
Last edited:
