Critique my commercial marketing piece please.

[Moser Bros.]

YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE SICK EMPLOYEES,
A CLEAN ENVIRONMENT IMPROVES COMPANY PRIDE AND HEALTH

I'll just take 10 minutes of your time to show you how our carpet cleaning maintenance will fit in your budget and enhance you current carpet cleaning maintenance program. If you don't want my services after your free cleaning, then I'll quit coming back. I can afford to give this away, because I know you'll want to have us clean again in the future.

FREE CARPET CLEANING FOR YOUR OFFICE, UP TO 300 SQUARE FEET, A $50 VALUE



This is going in the gift bags to the commercial accounts I'm marketing to, I will demo low-mositure cleaning for maintance so I won't have to bust out the truckmount, I've invested at lot of time and money to get my foot in the door, so I need a message that will get noticed.

 

[Jeremy]

Could be better... Sorry no suggestions right now. I'll get back to you.

 

[CapeCleaner]

Here is some different verbiage. Everybody's writing style is different so if mine isn't yours, no worries.

One thing that should definitely be deleted is the "..I'll quit coming back." I'm not sure what is meant by that statement. Circumstances constantly change so, even if a potential client says "no" the first time, you should keep your name in front of them with regular mailings, contact, etc.

CAN YOU AFFORD TO HAVE SICK EMPLOYEES?

A CLEAN ENVIRONMENT IMPROVES COMPANY HEALTH AND PRODUCTIVITY

Give me just 10 minutes of your time and I’ll demonstrate how Moser Bros. Carpet Cleaning service will fit in your budget and enhance your current building maintenance program. If you don't want our services after your free cleaning, just say so. There is no obligation. I can afford to give this away, because I know you'll want Moser Bros. Carpet Cleaning as your service provider.

FREE CARPET CLEANING FOR YOUR OFFICE, UP TO 300 SQUARE FEET, A $50 VALUE

GIVE YOUR EMPLOYEES A CLEAN – AND HEALTHY – WORKING ENVIRONMENT

 

[Mark Imbesi]

I'm no expert on this, but do you really think employers care about their employees' health? I mean, sure the cleaner the carpet, the healthier the environment, but they will still get sick and miss work.

I would try to sell the fact that cleaner, well maintained carpets give a better impression to their clients. The first impression is everything. I think cleaner carpets portray a successful, well organized business. A business someone walking through the door would want to have a relationship with.

PS - I would play the health card with doctors, though, but again, stress their patients not employees.

Remember, I stated, I'm no expert.

 

[Moser Bros.]

Marc, I will include the better impression for you clients in next months headline. I used the sick employees, because a sick building can lead to sick employees, and what business can afford to have $60,000 salary employees not show up to work because there work is making them sick, no pun intended. Companies can't afford carpet and building maintenance based on autistics, but it's cheaper then lawsuits and sick employees, that why they pay for it. And now here is the improved piece.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE SICK EMPLOYEES!
A CLEAN WORK ENVIRONMENT IMPROVES EMPLOYEE MORALE AND HEALTH


I'll just take 10 minutes of your time to show you how our carpet cleaning maintenance will fit in your budget and enhance you current carpet cleaning maintenance program.

I can afford to give this away, because I know you'll want to have us clean again in the future.


FREE CARPET CLEANING DEMOSTRATION FOR YOUR OFFICE, UP TO 300 SQUARE FEET


CALL NOW
LYON REYES 916-879-5277

 

[Scott]

Sorry, I just don't like it.

The headline is unbelievable w/o supporting facts to back you up. In the body you don't talk about health at all, but rather budgets and how your cleaning can enhance their current maintenance plan.

We've all heard that cleaning enhances health and morale, but I've not seen substantial evidence in the form of a peer-reviewed document. If you can hunt that down and use that to support your headline it would make much more of a positive impact.

I.E. "according to the US Department of Health and Human Services, workers are 5 times less likely to get sick in a building that's cleaned frequently versus one one that's not. Furthermore, the Department of Labor reports that a clean environment vastly improves employee (and customer?) morale by up to 23%. That's like getting almost $1.25 for every dollar you invest in morale improvement!"

(pls note: I just threw that together w/o doing the necessary research or word study. it's always a bad idea to make up statistics and quote wrong sources)

If you can't substantiate the health aspect, I would go after something else like their budget - esp. given the current financial situation.

 

[Moser Bros.]

Scott, do you think this headline works better with this marking piece?


YOU CAN'T AFFORD THROW AWAY MONEY
CARPETS UGLY OUT BEFORE THEY WEAR OUT


I'll just take 10 minutes of your time to show you how our carpet cleaning maintenance will fit in your budget and enhance you current carpet cleaning maintenance program.

I can afford to give this away, because I know you'll want to have us clean again in the future.


FREE CARPET CLEANING DEMOSTRATION FOR YOUR OFFICE, UP TO 300 SQUARE FEET


CALL NOW
LYON REYES 916-879-5277
Moser Brothers Carpet Care

 

[Royal Man]

How about a headine like;

Don't let soiled carpets spoil your professional image!

We make it easy,.............

(I'm surprised Chuck doesn't give you tried and tested templates for marketing pieces with his program)

 

[Fon Johnson]

Just off the cuff..
I would try to stay away from anything really negative..

Everything costs so much more today you can't afford to throw money around! That is why you should have Moser Bros. give you a FREE evaluation for carpet cleaning. We can make your carpet look much NEWER, for a FRACTION of what it would cost to replace it. Don't you want your workplace to be healthy and inviting? Moser brothers can help you create that clean, comfortable atmosphere for your employees, and we all know that happy employees are productive employees.

Call us TODAY to schedule an appointment to show you how we can make your workplace a healthy place, and save you money at the same time. Schedule a cleaning by XXXX and we will take $50 off!

 

[Captain Morgan]

I like Dave and Fon's suggestions (and reasoning ) the best.

 

[Royal Man]

I like Fonts suggestions.

I wonder with a commercial mailing how do you address the card so at least a decision maker sees the mailing?


Dave-

 

[Wayne Miller]

Commercial literature is nice but don't depend on it to do the selling for you. There's no substitute for a warm handshake with the decision makers.

Here's a trifold we've used, same basic idea as Fon.

http://www.pdqmarketing.com/mc/joe1.htm

http://www.pdqmarketing.com/mc/joe2.htm

And, we slipped one of these inserts inside,

http://www.pdqmarketing.com/mc/insert.htm

 

[Larry B]

Commercial literature is nice but don't depend on it to do the selling for you. There's no substitute for a warm handshake with the decision makers.

Here's a trifold we've used, same basic idea as Fon.

http://www.pdqmarketing.com/mc/joe1.htm

http://www.pdqmarketing.com/mc/joe2.htm

And, we slipped one of these inserts inside,

http://www.pdqmarketing.com/mc/insert.htm

I like those Wayne.