Flyer Text....
- Thread starter Jeremy
- Start date
Ron Lippold
RIP
looks good bud
Brian R
Member
second one way better.
First one was a little wordy.
First one was a little wordy.
Ken Snow
RIP
Okay here goes J
Top section
1. lose the word already in top section and consider bolding r underlining too much (don't do both)
2. at a great price instead of a price you an live with (no one is going to die)
3. we'll work within your budget and maintain the professional image you want.
Middle section- how would they know the answer to question? Proposed new statement.
"Let us show you what we can do at no risk and no pressure to compare with your current provider." if you like this as the opening you would need to change some of the body portion.
Bottom section- I don't believe many people in this day and age tolerate vendors that are late so I think you are asking something that will not be an issue. I would lose it completely.
Ken
Ps I hate the use of inc in a name. It is cumbersome, doesn't add anything and gets away from, rather than enhancing, your name. Why not just lose it, or better yet use the Brighwork Clean as is in your mail address if it's avail as a dba?
Top section
1. lose the word already in top section and consider bolding r underlining too much (don't do both)
2. at a great price instead of a price you an live with (no one is going to die)
3. we'll work within your budget and maintain the professional image you want.
Middle section- how would they know the answer to question? Proposed new statement.
"Let us show you what we can do at no risk and no pressure to compare with your current provider." if you like this as the opening you would need to change some of the body portion.
Bottom section- I don't believe many people in this day and age tolerate vendors that are late so I think you are asking something that will not be an issue. I would lose it completely.
Ken
Ps I hate the use of inc in a name. It is cumbersome, doesn't add anything and gets away from, rather than enhancing, your name. Why not just lose it, or better yet use the Brighwork Clean as is in your mail address if it's avail as a dba?
Brian R
Member
Damn Ken, you are good.
Go to my postcard thread and critic me please?
:wink:
Go to my postcard thread and critic me please?
:wink:Wayne Miller
Member
I like the way you structured the message. Writing is subjective and I over-analyze everything I. With that in mind, for what it's worth here are a few thoughts....
"Are you already paying too much..." sounds awkward. Typically, if you're asked whether you already have something it's followed with and "if not."
"Already have the the money you need? Well, [if not] the good news is, I can help!"
See what I mean?
"Are you paying too much?" Simple, straight, to the point.
Maybe it's just me but I don't like ":" in copy. Would write to Mom with colons and semicolons?
"Hey, Mom. GREAT news: Billy got an A in math; Mary got a raise; Bumper had 4 kittens; Tommy fell and skinned his knee; Christmas dinner has been moved to 4pm."
I like things more personable, less business.
"For carpet that is clean and dry...." Isn't it all clean and dry eventually? Qualify "clean and dry." "...in hours not days, at a price you can live with" or ".....GUARANTEED at a price you can live with" gives the statement some umph.
"Not getting the absolute best results from....." What are the odds the last guy opened with the same general idea? Maybe the reader isn't looking for the absolute best. Maybe he just wants the guy to show up on time, or do a better job in the bathroom, or stop forgetting the gum spot in the foyer, or whatever. Are they getting what they need, that's the question. "Are you getting what you expect." "Are you getting what you deserve?" "Are you disappointed with the service you're receiving?" Why open with big claims, you're here to help. You're here to make someone's life easier?" Do you have a need I can fill, let them fill in the blank.
"All good things come to an end." Skip it. The assumption coming into this phrase was things aren't good. Let them come to that conclusion on their own. Set the stage to be the answer for what ails them, whatever it is.
"Investigate before you invest..." isn't as straight to the point as "Try before you buy" and I'm not convinced it's gonna add much to the paragragh. I don't know. I'd either skip it or try to develop the idea so it's more understandable.
"Just one extra reason to be on time, every time." Is that a self-inflicted punishment to help keep you honest I hear? Would you rather hear, "Hey, if I screw up it's gonna hurt me than it does you" or "We're so confident we'll be on time, everytime, we'll give you $50 if we're ever late?" Prospects want to hear strength and confidence.
Here's a suggestion,
[center:22trvrq8]Paying too much for carpet and floor care?
We specialize in cleaning programs tailored to fit your budget. Have your cake and eat it too!
Clean floors and carpets and a price you can afford.
One call could save you THOUSANDS!
Not getting what you expect from your current service?
Is it time for a change? Check us out, size us up, with absolutley NO RISK! Call for your
FREE demonstration. See the difference our qualified staff can make in the
appearance of your facility. Try before you buy.
We're confident you'll be thrilled!
Are you sick and tired of No-Shows and Late Arrivals?
We understand you're busy and pomise to respect your time. And, we stand behind our promise.
In fact, if were just ten minutes late arriving to your door we'll knock $50 off the invoice!
It's just one more assurance we mean what we say. [/center:22trvrq8]
.
"Are you already paying too much..." sounds awkward. Typically, if you're asked whether you already have something it's followed with and "if not."
"Already have the the money you need? Well, [if not] the good news is, I can help!"
See what I mean?
"Are you paying too much?" Simple, straight, to the point.
Maybe it's just me but I don't like ":" in copy. Would write to Mom with colons and semicolons?
"Hey, Mom. GREAT news: Billy got an A in math; Mary got a raise; Bumper had 4 kittens; Tommy fell and skinned his knee; Christmas dinner has been moved to 4pm."
I like things more personable, less business.
"For carpet that is clean and dry...." Isn't it all clean and dry eventually? Qualify "clean and dry." "...in hours not days, at a price you can live with" or ".....GUARANTEED at a price you can live with" gives the statement some umph.
"Not getting the absolute best results from....." What are the odds the last guy opened with the same general idea? Maybe the reader isn't looking for the absolute best. Maybe he just wants the guy to show up on time, or do a better job in the bathroom, or stop forgetting the gum spot in the foyer, or whatever. Are they getting what they need, that's the question. "Are you getting what you expect." "Are you getting what you deserve?" "Are you disappointed with the service you're receiving?" Why open with big claims, you're here to help. You're here to make someone's life easier?" Do you have a need I can fill, let them fill in the blank.
"All good things come to an end." Skip it. The assumption coming into this phrase was things aren't good. Let them come to that conclusion on their own. Set the stage to be the answer for what ails them, whatever it is.
"Investigate before you invest..." isn't as straight to the point as "Try before you buy" and I'm not convinced it's gonna add much to the paragragh. I don't know. I'd either skip it or try to develop the idea so it's more understandable.
"Just one extra reason to be on time, every time." Is that a self-inflicted punishment to help keep you honest I hear? Would you rather hear, "Hey, if I screw up it's gonna hurt me than it does you" or "We're so confident we'll be on time, everytime, we'll give you $50 if we're ever late?" Prospects want to hear strength and confidence.
Here's a suggestion,
[center:22trvrq8]Paying too much for carpet and floor care?
We specialize in cleaning programs tailored to fit your budget. Have your cake and eat it too!
Clean floors and carpets and a price you can afford.
One call could save you THOUSANDS!
Not getting what you expect from your current service?
Is it time for a change? Check us out, size us up, with absolutley NO RISK! Call for your
FREE demonstration. See the difference our qualified staff can make in the
appearance of your facility. Try before you buy.
We're confident you'll be thrilled!
Are you sick and tired of No-Shows and Late Arrivals?
We understand you're busy and pomise to respect your time. And, we stand behind our promise.
In fact, if were just ten minutes late arriving to your door we'll knock $50 off the invoice!
It's just one more assurance we mean what we say. [/center:22trvrq8]
.
rhyde
Member
the whole thing is too wordy
The only people that will read that are people with time on their hands and those are often problem people ...IMO
The only people that will read that are people with time on their hands and those are often problem people ...IMO
Ron Werner
Member
my first thought was to deal with the price issue second, don't have it as a primary focus.
If you deal with service issues first, they might expect to pay a little more than they are currently paying in order to get better service. Everyone knows you get what you pay for.
If you deal with service issues first, they might expect to pay a little more than they are currently paying in order to get better service. Everyone knows you get what you pay for.
alazo1
Member
I'd say price is probably first in their mind . Give them quality and emphasize that your system (lpadcap) will keep their carpets cleaner longer. Hence, they'll save more.
Albert
Albert
bensurdi
Member
You guys would laugh really hard if you saw the new newspaper ads that I have going out- Im a little reluctant to share quite yet
Brian R
Member
Yea cmon Ben.
We won't laugh
Laughing
This is what we are here for.
We won't laugh
Laughing
This is what we are here for.
