help me edit this...

[Mikey P]

please point out typos or bad grammar..

 

[Steve Toburen]

Uhhh, paragraphs? Also use "bullets" for each speaker.

Steve

PS Remember, when writing "less is more". (Says the king of writing too much.)

 

[FB7777]

Adam Hale's name for starters


also the run on paragraph of presenters is muddy and wordy like Tooboring says

Highlight the name to the left and then add your class description

IRA terrorist ? how about toothless drunk ... more people will want to attend his death clean class

 

[Derek]

- "Join the Mikey'sboard.com crew..." - remove the apostrophe.
- "Enjoy one day for $50 per person for two full days of fun ... for only $75." - which is it, $50 or $75? maybe change "for" to "or"?
- after the above mentioned $75, capitalize the y in "You'll"

 

[Royal Man]

I mainly care about the Header,because if that fails the rest won't matter. The 9 "in Mikeyfest 9" Looks like a G to me and the header looks a bit buzy.

Like the others have said paragraphs and spaces will make the copy easier to read.( Looks like a cram down.) Your hook of "what could be better....." Is getting lost in the copy. Make it bold/ different background, Move it above the copy or whatever to make it stand out a little.

 

[bob vawter]

no booze...hookers or police dogs....
who's gonna wanna go to THAT?

 

[Dmreed4311]

Greg Cole is speaking? of those 50000 customers i wonder how many are satisfied

 

[Mikey P]

Who cares...how he got them to call is what you should be concerned about. .

 

[adamh]

Adam Hale's name for starters

WOW, I read it and never even noticed my name spelled wrong...........

 

[Jim Nelson]

Who or what is a Mike Fest?

 

[Jimmy L]

I don't see mention anywhere of my "Kung Fu Fighting " class.

 

[Jim Martin]

Who or what is a Mike Fest?

[video=youtube_share;crx-m8A6QrQ]http://youtu.be/crx-m8A6QrQ[/video]



crank it up..............

 

[Shane Deubell]

Probably could take all that information and spread it out over 2 pages, seems like too much info crammed into a small space.

 

[Mikey P]

I can't afford a two page spread like Connections has in Clean Fax so we got to cram it in there.

Wayne Miller who is working on this will be watching this thread..

 

[Connor]

Where's the "co-sponsored by Truck Mount Forums" ?

 

[GCCLee]

Awesome!!!


PORTY RACES

 

[Mikey P]

Where's the "co-sponsored by Truck Mount Forums" ?

Busy on his honeymoon..


http://youtu.be/IHZ7wUtvB7E

 

[Lee Stockwell]

Hmm.. when I visited there he was already married?

 

[Mikey P]

judging by how often he changes his forum up I would have to say he is rather fickle..

 

[Ron Werner]

You could abreviate some of the sentences.
As mentioned, bullet points to make it easier to read.

Reword the pricing paragraph, it is hard to understand.

 

[Royal Man]

You could have a small pic of each "expert" and just a few words about what they are doing to clean it up.(maybe in two rows) It's toooooo freak'n wordy. Most people just skim and won't read it word for word. With this change It might make it flow better, be more personable and also, a better set up for Important parts like the hook or close (what could be better...)and asking for more vendors.

Having interlink presents and then hosted by interlink, 2 more times right after each other and then, along with the Interlink crew for good measure.Is redundent and more ADHT that Corky after too many shakes and hopped up on pyramid barking. At least get rid of interlink presents to clean up the busy header and maybe an other.

Join the mikey fest crew... font is hard to read and blends together.

You are paying for color. Put some color behind some of the paragraphs to break it up and highlight the important stuff.
For instance paragraph "We have tons of hands on..." should be highlighted especially since it was important enough to insert into the headline.

Brain storm the feeling you want to convey for the ad: fun, bumping shoulders, comradely, cool stuff, improve your skills, friends, food, new tools, play with stuff.......

Action words help involvement.Discover, learn, touch,inspect,communicate, examine, learn, impact, acquire, master, gain, recieve, intreact,grow...

 

[mcatt]

I agree the 9 needs to be fixed. Looks like a g.

And the explanation for the cost for 1 or 2 days also needs to be corrected.

I like the page over all though

 

[Goomer]

Post the complete text in a format everyone can play with.